Rolling In Like The Tide

Lately, I've been struggling with something I've dealt with for a long time, but not at this magnitude. It's given me even greater sympathy for those who deal with this level all the time. I'm talking about anxiety.

My anxiety is definitely getting worse as I get older. It got to the point of hyper vigilance, where everything seemed threatening to me. New job? Terrifying. What if I made a mistake? I'm petrified of doing something wrong, especially if it impacts other people. Having someone angry at me, even for something small, can feel utterly crushing. Biking? Absolutely frightening, especially by myself. What if I got hit by a car? What if I wrecked? What if, what if, what if? The what ifs were drowning me. Attempting anything I wasn't sure I could accomplish was out of the question.

Thoughts would roll in, especially at night. Huge waves of anxiety, threatening to pull me under. Half of the time, I didn't even know why I felt this way, why my heart raced and my skin crawled with the idea of what might happen.

My therapist recommended tapping. If you're unfamiliar, that's a technique where you tap spots on your body for an emotional calming effect. I could have tapped until my arms fell off. The relief, if any, was incredibly temporary.

After months of telling my psychiatrist about my anxiety, he finally prescribed me a beta blocker that is supposed to help. I haven't taken it much, to be honest. Did it work? I can't really say. The idea of more meds, especially something that might not work, was daunting.

We did, however, end up increasing a few of the medications I'm already on. I don't know if it's what's helping, but I have been feeling better. Maybe it's because I've settled in at work, or because I'm not on the bike as much (or at all lately).

I still get the waves, roaring and raising up, crashing over me. School starts soon, and I struggle with feeling of being too old, being fat among all of the fit 18 year olds. I want to be confident in myself, at this age I should be. But the desire to fit in, to be accepted, brings that anxiety to a head.

So maybe I'll try those beta blockers again, once classes start back up. The mania was a great way to be confident, but I don't get to feel that anymore. The good parts have been stolen from me, along with the bad. I feel weakened, like an animal whose been wounded and struggles to keep moving along. I feel like the power I gained from the manic side of me has been put out, I feel watered down.

But I have to remember the depression. I have to remember the dangerous situations I put myself in, how my mania affected those around me. I have to come to terms that this is my life right now, the anxiety, the what ifs, the discomfort. As much as I miss those highs, I couldn't survive the lows. The only thing left to do is to hope the anxiety doesn't swallow me whole.