I started taking allergy medication when I was in junior high. I had my first allergy test when I was 5 years old after getting a series of sinus infections. My dad was a smoker, and back then, people smoked inside. The 80s were a crazy time, am I right? Turns out, I'm allergic to nicotine so I would get sick all the time. Once the allergist discovered the cause of my chronic infections, my dad started smoking outside.
My allergies persisted, and I began taking a daily pill in my early teens. I'm allergic to almost everything: grass, trees, weeds, dust, mold, animals, etc. I was just taking something over the counter and that worked well enough so my entire face didn't swell shut every time I went outside or petted a cat. I was young, so I didn't think much on it, just took it because I was supposed to. If I forgot, maybe I'd have itchy eyes or a stuffy nose, but nothing bad would happen.
Witness the allergic reaction I had to an Asian Tiger Mosquito bite while I was in Malta. Try to look past my bitchin' hair and focus on my eye.
When I was 15 I started to get really bad heartburn. It was so severe it made my jaw hurt. Enter Nexium. I wouldn't find out until later that I have a hernia in my esophagus, which remains the root of my reflux issues. It's something I can get surgically repaired, if I ever decide I feel like having surgery. So far I'm taking a pass on that.
I would try a few antidepressants and anti anxiety meds throughout the next several years, and we know where that got me; nowhere fast. Or everywhere too fast, depending on how you judge a year of hypomania. They made me manic until they made me want to die. Now with the right balance of this and that, I'm suddenly taking five different pills just to keep my brain from doing the whacky. Not to mention the supplements. And the allergy pill and the reflux pill. And an inhaler or two, because of course I also have asthma. Don't forget the nasal spray for chronic rhinitis.
I had a recheck with my allergist recently, and on top of the 13 blood tests he had run, and everything else I'm on, we added more to the cocktail. A cocktail sounds good right about now, actually.
There's a pill for my asthma, another nasal spray, we upped my reflux medication. I'm going to start allergy shots too.
I'm buried by my chronic illnesses, and the gut punch was, there was another one. I tested positive for general inflammation, which can mean a lot of things. Some of them very scary. I guess I was lucky that mine is probably just the result of arthritis. Something every 36 year old wants to hear they have. 36 going on 95. I think Jennifer Garner had it better.
At this point, I'm basically made of pills.
Sometimes I'm okay with it. Modern medicine has makes it possible for me to live a fairly comfortable existence. Sure, I'd rather not have to take two puffs of this and three doses of that, but it's my life. I should be grateful, not petulant. Some folks who need the meds can't get them, or can't afford them. Here I am, with my reasonable insurance, complaining about how rough it is for me to have a solution to my problem.
Just an average evening of pills
Sometimes though, I'm tired of going to the pharmacy for the fourth time in a month. I just don't want to. I'm usually so good, but for a few days, I slipped. I ran out of my lithium. It was ready at the pharmacy, but I just didn't feel like going to get it. So I missed a dose. Then another day slid by, and I missed a whole night's worth of pills because I didn't want to take them.
I woke up in the morning feeling weirdly out of focus, but with my senses overwhelmed by everything. When I could tune in, everything was too sharp, too bright, too loud.
The whole day was surreal. Was this what it was like all the time before my meds? Or was this a result of withdrawal from them? The idea of doing anything was terrifying. A trip to a crowded grocery store was panic inducing. The thought of having to make a phone call was absolutely out of the question. Maybe I'd never go to my Stats class again; the idea of it freaked me out. Nothing felt right.
This might look normal, but it is far from that
My husband drove me to the pharmacy and I left with my bag full of pill bottles. Instead of shame this time, there was a sense of relief. I could get back in my routine and hopefully wake up the next morning feeling more like myself.
I struggle to know who that is. Who I was before the illness settled in? Who I was before the meds? On the meds? Without them? What I do know is that I don't feel okay without them anymore. I can't imagine what Day 3 off lithium would be.
I was afraid to go to sleep that night. That happens sometimes, and I still haven't gotten a handle on why. My theory is that the next day comes faster if I sleep, and then I have to deal with living. I put myself in bed though, and fought through an hour of intrusive thoughts.
Intrusive thoughts, if you don't know, are basically horrible, horrible thoughts that pop up in your head for no reason just to torment you. Thoughts about death, violence, suicide, reliving painful memories. Saying they're uncomfortable is an understatement.
Here's what I know: I'm not perfect by a long shot, and I'm really early on in my journey with this beast. I'm going to make mistakes. Maybe one day I'll decide I don't want to take my meds at all. Right now that seems absolutely ridiculous, but the fact that I let two days go by without being concerned is, well, concerning. If I've learned anything, which is debatable, it's that I need this magical metal to keep my head straight. So I say praise lithium, as it not only powers batteries, but also my brain.
