You've Been Hit By A Smooth Criminal

One of the weirdest and hardest things about mental illness is not every episode has a reason. Sometimes, there are no triggers and you feel completely blindsided. Today is one of those days.

I was fine yesterday; in fact, it was a pretty good day. I finished my homework, got some chores done, and spent some quality time with really good people.

Then this morning I woke up and something just seemed... off. I was convinced my desk was crooked, even though it wasn't. I kept putting different round objects on it to check, and nothing was rolling away except my sanity.

This feeling persisted once I got on campus for class. The sidewalk was crooked. I was walking crooked.

I can tell by now, though, that it was depression. I was overcome with self-doubt - what am I doing with my life? Why bother? It's like my brain gets hijacked by the illness and I can't see the light on the other side of it.

There's no doubt that, since school started, I've been seriously stressed out. I haven't had a full-time job since 2009. When I was in the grooming biz, my arms were too sore, my tendinitis flaring up so I couldn't work full days. 

Last semester, I only took two classes, so acing them was easy. But now I'm a full time student, with lots of homework, and I feel so overwhelmed. How did I do this before? How did I do this and have a part-time job? How is anyone doing this?!? 

I'm mostly keeping up, because that's what you do, but it's not easy. This is me after doing two hours of stats homework:

The thing about depression is, you know you have to keep doing things,. You can't just pause your life and lay face down on your bed and wallow in agony. You have to keep going to school, or work, or you have to keep watching your kids, and socializing with friends, and making time for your partner, no matter how hard it is. You have to keep chugging right along, and you have to smother the fact that you'd rather be home with your dog, watching Parks and Rec and eating comfort food and crying.

Sometimes it's too hard to do the basics, like take a shower or cook dinner or finish the laundry. Sometimes these things take a back seat. Maybe I'm skipping my couch to 5k today and maybe I ate Ramen for lunch and maybe I microwaved it because I just couldn't do more than that.

Maybe you feel that way too sometimes. I don't wanna say it's okay, because no one should have to feel this shitty. But it is okay. It's okay if you have to skip things that should be easy, that are easy to others, because right now they're too overwhelming.

I have to keep going to school, I need to pass my classes. I need to do some laundry and eat a vegetable and be an adult. I'll do what I can for now and it'll be fine.

Hopefully this will lift soon, and I'll be capable of actually living my life as opposed to just being alive. For now?

And that's okay.

Side Effects May Include

Side Effects

Normal

Is a handful of pills

One hour before bedtime

Side effects include

Headaches

Tremors

Blurred vision

And sanity

- A poem I recently wrote for my English class. 

All medications come with side effects. We know this by watching any commercial on TV for every single medication made. My personal favorite was for an anti-anxiety medication that had the side effect of diarrhea. Nothing like overcoming your fear of being in public but not being able to go out because you have the shits.

Or another classic - most medications for mental health issues can cause worsening depression and suicidal thoughts. Oof.

I don't have side effects of my meds every day. I'd actually never had side effects before starting psych meds, and I've been taking pills for chronic illnesses since I was young. Very young. I had my first allergy test at age 5, because I kept getting sinus infections that were treated by these giant horse pills. My mom knew something was wrong with me. The first of many things, it turns out. 

If you're unfamiliar with allergy testing, it's basically getting stabbed in the back by all the allergens ever and seeing what you react to. It's itchy and uncomfortable, especially for a five-year old. I had my third test very recently. If anything on your back is inconclusive, they give you an IM shot in the arm:

Needless to say, I'm allergic to everything.

On top of that, my acid reflux from my hiatal hernia and my asthma were found to be not controlled. Nor was my chronic rhinitis. So my allergy doc started me on a bunch of new meds.

I digress.

I know I'm pretty lucky to not have many side effects, and lucky in general that I don't have the worst of them. But these psych meds... along with weight gain, aka the last thing I frickin' need, there are others:

When I first started taking Vraylar, a very new and not widely known medication for depression, I would wake up in the middle of the night and puke. Only once, and then I'd be fine. It still gets me from time to time, but at least it's lessened.

I'm pretty sure it's the lithium, but occasionally I taste pennies in my mouth. Well, it's more a blood like taste. I was trying not to gross you out. Sorry. Anyway, it's very disconcerting. 

Recently, I've developed the shakes. It's not horrible, but it makes things more difficult, like eating food and doing anything with precision. Which, in turn, makes me very frustrated. And since I have a mood disorder, I also get irrationally angry at myself and my inability to function like a normal person.

Very occasionally, I get dizzy. This mostly happened when I had to quit taking my antihistamines for my allergy test. It was so bad I had to lie down a lot of the time, and fight back the nausea that hit me in waves. Now that I'm back on those meds, this problem has fixed itself. It's a weird withdrawal though, not one I anticipated.

I've also developed some motion sickness, but I'm not sure if that's related to the cornucopia of pills I take or just a new, fun thing I get to experience in my older life. Regardless, I have to wear a motion sickness patch in stop and go traffic, and on public transportation where the driver maneuvers like they're in a Fast and Furious movie.

After dealing with the antihistamine withdrawal, and all of the side effects, and having to start this new regimen of meds, I kind of lost it. I'm tired of having to take pills, and the idea of having to do this for every day, the rest of my life, had me throwing a temper tantrum. 

  

I had this urge, that I knew was ill advised, to put all of my meds into a cannon and shoot them into space. More realistically, to stop taking them. To say, "To hell with this!" and see what my body did without all these chemical interventions. Maybe I'd be fine; I could struggle through my asthma, allergies, and reflux. I've been feeling so stable, maybe I could ditch my psych meds.

I ran this past my therapist yesterday and she was firmly on the side of, "Don't do that!" She said one of the things that often happens with bipolar people is that they reach a place where things seem fine, and they stop taking their meds. And then?

I guess I know what my life looks like now. My therapist says I should be grateful that there's medicine that can help, and I get that. But when I know people who have never had to take a medication regularly in their life, it just doesn't seem fair. My reality is this:

And life?