P.E.R.F.E.C.T. - Find Out What it Means to Me

I have an all or nothing attitude. About almost everything.

This includes being "perfect."

If I don't think I can do something exceptionally well, I'd rather not try it at all. This keeps me from doing a lot of things, from the mundane like making a phone call to someone who intimidates me, to fixing things around the house, to - back in my theatre days - trying out for the leading role. The fear of failure is so overwhelming that I'm paralyzed by the idea of it.

I don't know the exact beginnings of this, but like most origin stories, I assume it's somewhere in my childhood.

Okay Bruce Banner wasn't a child in his origin story

 but I relate to the Hulk so this is where we're at.

I do remember my parents pushing for me to get good grades, which I did, until things went off the rails in ~College - Take 1~ and my life flipped upside down after some emotional trauma that feels too attention seeking and pitying to share. Now that I'm back in school, that drive has returned, and anything less than an A is unacceptable.

Except that C in Statistics. Seriously. Fuck that class.

This perfectionist complex keeps me from doing a lot of things, and it's only been worse as I've gotten older. Am I holding myself to an even higher standard? Is it possible that I'm now completely accountable for all my successes and failures in my adulthood, as it seems you can blame your parents for failings in your youth?

The desire to punish myself for my failures is overwhelming and getting an 82% on a paper sent me reeling when the grade dropped yesterday. My mood sunk low, depression creeping in on me. Even though I feel less maudlin about it after a night of sleep, the shame and disappointment still lingers and haunts.

I've gotten very adept at spotting and acknowledging my shortcomings, my flaws, the gaps I need to fill. Despite that, I feel impotent to do anything about it. Maybe it's much like fixing things around the house; if I can't do it right, then best not to try. If I can't make myself perfect from the inside out, I might as well stay the way I am. 

Growth is important, even vital, and I feel forever trapped by my imperfections and shortcomings. Of course, when it comes to college, I have no choice BUT to try, try again because my future depends on it. That doesn't make me any less likely to berate myself.

I know I'm not alone in this, many people struggle with perfectionism. Google for self-help books on the subject and prepare to be inundated. Maybe this is something you struggle with, too. Deep down, the solution is clear - to try, not be afraid of failing, to learn from those mistakes, and to move forward. Again, I'm great and seeing the issue, naming it, knowing it needs to change.

But the fear of failing at trying to fix myself is the scariest hurdle of them all.