I talk about one of my bis a lot (bipolar) but not about my other (bisexual). I don't know why that one scares me more to talk about since they're both stigmatized. Maybe because I have heteronormative privilege as I'm married to a man, so I can keep my bisexuality a secret? You'd think I could keep my bipolar a secret, but if you've spent any time with me you probably knew something wasn't quite right.
Coming out as bipolar was terrifying but I felt it really put the pieces together, made sense of my erratic behavior, sort of explained me. To be honest, I felt like it excused the the things that I had little control over before the medication. But now I'm medicated so any jackassery is all my own.
Actually that's not how that works, but maybe you get the point. It's limited jackassery, hopefully not as toxic as it was before - to me or to others.
I'm a normal! Just like you! Mostly.
I digress like it's my job. This post is about me being slightly cowardly to admit my sexual preference. Maybe because I think people will view me differently. I'm afraid my female friends will be uncomfortable around me. I swim in internalized homophobia toward myself, assume what bigots would say about me and I stew in it.
How long have I explained my attraction to women as limited, when in fact it's not? When I was in my early teens I lusted after female actors but excused it as just a few exceptions to my heterosexuality. I tiptoed on the line of expressing my desire for women but avoided admitting that I actually maybe wasn't straight.
One night a few years ago I was out drinking with a friend, and I felt comfortable enough with him to say it: I'm bisexual.
My coming out story isn't revolutionary. I don't talk about my bisexuality much. Maybe I'm afraid that people will pull away from me. Which goes to show you what an incredible idiot I can be, since that's not giving people in my life very much credit. Am I out to my family? Not explicitly. My sister yes, but beyond that I do fear some judgment. Since I have the aforementioned heteronormative privilege, I suppose I feel I can fly stealthily under the radar.
That's perhaps the exact opposite of pride.
I feel guilty for not owning who I am, that somehow it must seem like I'm ashamed. Maybe that's part of it, but I don't think so. I feel like people won't believe me. That they'll think I'm some sort of imposter and that I don't belong - in the straight community or the LGBTQ+ community. I'm in some sort of bisexual limbo. Who's gonna pick me for their team? Anybody? Am I picked last or not at all?
I am afraid to publish this. I'm afraid that it will change how I'm viewed by some people, though I hope I'm wrong. Staying silent isn't the answer. Visibility is important, and my identity it important. I've already told you I was crazy, now you know I'm queer.
I guess my general, unapologetic attitude is take me as I am or leave me.
My first Pride a few years ago with my lovely Jess,
who takes me as I am <3
who takes me as I am <3
I really super appreciate your admitting your fear of being called an imposter. I’ve told those close to me all my life that another person’s gender or even their sexuality does not have a bearing on my attraction to them. I am attracted to an almost limitless spectrum of people and was astonished to hear the term pansexual about 5 years ago because it felt like it fit and that maybe I wasn’t alone in my lack of definitive preference. While it fits my internal dialogue with myself, I don’t feel confident that others will accept my acceptance of being pansexual because maybe I don’t fit their expectations of who a pansexual is. I’ve also never had my sexuality questioned directly, and so haven’t felt an opportunity to express it. I hope that all makes some sense anyway. Who knew this would be confusing even at 43 years old, eh?
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