Carpe Diem

As I was laying in bed last night, trying to fall asleep, I had an epiphany. It might not seem like a big deal to some, but for me it was huge: my life isn't over.

When I graduated College: Take 1, I was already off the path of that degree. I had gotten a job at a veterinary hospital, and I was thrilled. I really, really liked my job, for the first time in my life. I moved from being a kennel attendant to a grooming assistant. I eventually became a groomer. Though aspects of the job were frustrating, I still mostly liked it.

I shifted from grooming job to grooming job, and the burnout became real. I hurt all the time. I'd wake up with my arms completely numb, and throbbing pain in my elbows. My hands ached, and my shoulders complained. I sucked it up, because I thought it was the best I could do. I made my bed, I should lie in it. I had no other skills or experience, and the only thing on the horizon for me was retail.

Yes this is a gross "pelt" I shaved off a dog.

I have also always struggled with my weight. I bounced from the anorexia of my early teens to binge eating to compensate. I never learned to have healthy habits, not with eating or exercising. Food was either the enemy or the compatriot. I yo-yoed constantly, losing a ton of weight by meticulously counting calories and working out 12+ hours a week, then finally getting exhausted and putting it all back on. I finally decided that I'd just be fat, that I had no other choice.

Binging on some bread. Yikes.

I don't know what changed in me. Maybe it's just having reasonable mental health and not hating myself all the time, not wallowing in my circumstances. But last night, I realized that I can do things with my life that I want. I can achieve goals, and live the life I actually want to have. I can go back to school, and work towards getting a career, one that I'm excited about. I can make small changes, and be consistent, and I'm capable of losing weight in a healthy, sustainable way. None of these things will come quickly, and I'll need to be patient with the process and myself. But I think I finally can do that.

I was miserable for so long, and I thought it was normal. Now that I know it's not, I don't want to settle for less than I deserve. And I'm finally figuring out that I'm worthy of happiness. My diagnosis has opened my eyes. I don't love having to swallow a handful of pills every day, for the rest of my life, but it's better than the alternative.

Psych meds for the win!

Now I can look forward to the future, not be paralyzed by the anxiety of where it might take me. I'm not a victim of my self-imposed circumstances anymore.