Which is how I found myself in my bridesmaid's dress from my sister's wedding. It's this shiny, blue, floor length, strapless, gathered beauty. I love this dress, it's a real stunner. This sucker usually perks me right up, so I pulled it out of the closet, and threw it on.
And it did. Not. Fucking. Help.
Why?
Because it did. Not. Fucking. Fit.
I was able to get it on myself, but barely. And having to squeeze into something that no longer fits doesn't exactly lift ones spirits.
Spirits officially not lifted
I've struggled with my weight my entire life, with stints of anorexia and massive amounts of binge eating. As I'm finding out now, bipolar disorder might have a lot to do with that. There are a few new studies that think there's a possible link between the two.
There was a stretch a few years ago that lasted 2 years in which, in retrospect, I think I was mildly manic; I lost 65 pounds. I worked out at least 12 hours a week and counted my calories obsessively. I was agitated and egotistical. All solid signs of mania.
Then I swung hard the other way, too depressed to move, not caring what I ate at all. And I gained all that back in what seemed like a heartbeat.
With my history of eating disorders, my therapist recommends NOT dieting. Which sounds great. Until you can't pack your ass into an old dress.
I usually don't think about it too much. In fact, I often believe that I'm thinner than I am. But when I catch myself in the mirror sometimes, or can't fit into something I own, the realization of my weight kicks in. And it kicks me hard, like down a flight of stairs hard.
The advice is always to act confident or people won't like you. That they'll judge you if you let that weakness show. So I go around pretending that I'm not fat. And maybe that's what other people do, too. Because in this society, fat is a four letter word. I wish people would just accept it as just a word, take the sting and stigma out. Instead, it's danced around and people say, "No, you're not, don't say that."
We both have eyeballs my friend. I know what you're trying to do but let's be honest.
I want to get to the point where my weight doesn't matter to me, when it's not my sole focus of self worth.
I'm getting closer.
I'm not there yet.
It's a hard thing to do... But it has to be possible somehow. Something I need to work on too, as probably 98% of the population does too
ReplyDeleteLove you, girl. Fat or not, what you are is smart, funny, beautiful, and BRAVE. Brave for seeking treatment for your mental and emotional challenges, and brave for sharing all of yourself with us. Keep it up, if it feels like self-care.
ReplyDeleteI'm pulling for you, and I see you.
MILF
Hugs! It's not easy. I guess I just try and separate the weight/fat issue from the health issue. Remember that you are active and can do things physically than many ther people can't. Some skinny people are really unhealthy, and some fat people are actually really healthy! I'm finally at the point where I have been able to prioritize healthy, endurance, and strength over my actual physical weight. It's still body focused, which may not be the best, but probably better than just thinking about weight. Nicole M
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